Mr. Twain talks about playing cards with some surprising characters up there…er...wherever he is. Also, why the heck did we call this podcast Two Twits and Twain??

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Two Twits & Twain
Podcast

Episode 3 of Two Twits and Twain, entitled “Mark, the Card Shark’” has Mr. Twain talking about playing cards with some surprising characters up there…er...wherever he is. Also, why the heck did we call this podcast Two Twits and Twain??
Episode # 3 Mark, the Card Shark
Short Banjo Music…
Clark: And…Hello again…with a big welcome to Episode # 3 of Two Twits and Twain. Which, quite candidly, is a milestone we thought we might never reach...not because we doubted what we were doing, but who was doing it…you know, a couple of Twits! But, lo and behold, we’ve been well received. But, to be honest…and we had very little…if any faith that Mark Twain would even show up. And now…on our third adventure…he was actually waiting when Doc got to the studio! Welcome back, Mark!
Mark: Well…I really don’t know what to say. It’s quite rare that someone doesn’t have confidence in me! I should probably be insulted, but I had an unexpectedly delightful time the last time I was with you two twits, and…I was lookin forward to today. Don’t make me regret it!
Doc: Mark, I’d like to welcome you…and our audience as well! Just because Clark forgot, please let me introduce Clark…Twit number 2 from France, and me, Doc, Twit number 1, from right here in Colorado.
Clark: You know, Doc, we’ve been using these terms…twits…for three shows now, and I know we’ve had listeners email us asking why? Why TWITS?
Doc: Well…this is gonna cut Mark out of the conversation for a bit, but I suppose our audience deserves an explanation.
Mark: Just know that there are very few times when I’ve been cut out of a conversation…and I don’t think this will be one of them!
Clark: Mark, you just feel comfortable in chiming in any time you wish. After all, you’ve traveled…as you said…a FER PIECE…and we appreciate it, so we’ll both defer to your comments any time you have something to say.
Mark: I thank ya greatly. I’ll comment in moderation.
Doc: Getting back to “Why” …Clark and I were searching for a title for this podcast…and we both simultaneously made a list of about 15 names. We went over them with the usual amount of angst…not being able to land on any one of them. Yes, the title of Two Twits and Twain was in there, but at that time we really didn’t know if Mr. Twain…
Mark: That’s MARK!
Doc: Sorry Mark…we really didn’t know if YOU would really materialize. But we decided to take a chance…include him in the name anyway…and it apparently shouted loudly to the universe, and magically…now I’m talking about magic to the10th degree… although thinking he was supposed to be attending a funeral! Mark found my studio – and knocked on the door! He thought he was sent to the wrong place. OH NO…NOT THE WRONG PLACE AT ALL!!!
Clark, remember what Mark said shortly after he appeared on our first broadcast? He said that we all had to use our imagination…that was a prerequisite to him staying on our show. And I believe he was not only talking to both of us…but our listeners as well. Best we all remember that.
Clark: Ah Doc, You are a genius. Yes, imagination is a key to so much, and what better example than imagining and then seeing Mark Twain here with us! It really happened, and I remember, Doc, when you tried to take a picture of Mark…and text it to me. I got a picture all right…but no image of Mark…nothing! Just a picture of your studio. I really had to use my imagination, and imagine the incredible. Not only was it strange…but gave us both the willies!
Doc: Not only was it weird, but I still have that picture…and now, since there was no Mark, I’ve superimposed an image of an artist’s sketch of him…just so I don’t feel as though I’m going completely crazy!
Clark: Ha, ha – hope that helps! I think your craziness is there to stay!
Doc: Enough, enough, already!
Clark: Hey, a little crazy is a lot of fun. I think it makes the world go ‘round…speaking of crazy, I just had a crazy thought… Do you think that that artist sketch of Mark is something we could put on a T-shirt or coffee cup, along with our pictures, of course…just in case our listeners might wanna see how handsome we are?
Doc: You’re stretching it a bit there Clark…but yes…I think we can do that…I’ll look into it.
Clark: I’m using my imagination…
Doc: oh, oh
Clark: I’m seeing our mugs on a mug every day…at breakfast…or with a mid-morning snack…or an afternoon tea break…or,
Doc (interrupting) OK, stop, we get the picture – pun intended!
(groan)
(Banjo interlude)
Clark: You know, Mark & Doc, we’ve been using these charming terms…TWITS…for a couple of shows now, and I know we’ve had listeners email us, asking why? WHY TWITS?
Well, Twits and Twain and Two all begin with TW – and it has a sort of musical lilt to it. Since we both have a musical background…besides laughing at the sound…it had a pleasant ring to it…and seemed to be something our listeners would remember. Thus, Two Twits and Twain!
Doc: And Mark…aren’t you glad we didn’t go with Three Twits? You are definitely NOT a twit!
Mark: Why…thank ya gentlemen…I mean Twits…I am truly indebted to ya. I think!
Clark: No, I think it’s the other way around. We’re all indebted to you for those wonderful novels and stories…but, Mark, what got into you with that story of the Celebrated Jumping Frog of Calaverus County?? Was that an inspiration??
Mark: Well, boys, I mean Twits, we don’t always know where these ideas come from, but it was my first great success as a writer…and like I said, the imagination is a powerful tool…
Doc: I’ve read that there was a moral or two in that story…
Mark: For a Twit, you’re pretty well read, Doc, if I may call you that..
Clark: Wait a minute, Mark, his head will start swelling if you keep that up! He’ll always be a Twit to me!
Doc: That’s beautiful Twit #2! Thank you.
Clark: Anytime!
Doc: sorry, Mark, we were talking about a moral…
Mark: Well, Doc, I’d need a lot more time to get into that can of worms and I don’t have a lot of time now, but I can quote you a little something I once wrote on the subject. We’ll have time another time to explore a bit further…” Always do what is right. It will gratify half of mankind and astound the other.”
And…as long as we’re on the subject of morals…well…I guess it’s a little different interpretation of that word, there’s another quote that I was known for…although a bit more controversial! It goes like this:
“There is a moral sense, and there is an immoral sense. History shows us that the Moral Sense enables us to perceive morality and how to avoid it…and that the Immoral sense enables us to perceive Immorality…and how to enjoy it”
D & C: applause and approbation
(banjo interlude)
Clark: Mark, we’ve had several listeners ask THIS question…and it had occurred to us more than once. So many people know of your accomplishments when you were here on earth…your writings, your speaking, your humor. But that was a long time ago! Since then, you’ve been somewhere else…and that “somewhere” seems to have eluded any meaningful conversation. Is there any way you could clue us in on what’s been happening since those…ahem…rumors of your demise?
Mark: Of course…I’d be glad to. You fellas just had to come directly to the point…ask a meaningful question…and I’m most pleased to oblige! This time those rumors were not exaggerated!
As I said in our first meetin together, I don’t really know where I am when I’m not with you fellas. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again…”When ya die ya either go to Heaven for the climate, or Hell for the company”. Well…the climate is right nice – sort of like Hawaia…and the company…well…it’s not bad…mostly. Now, if you two wanted to spend more time with me…someday after ya croak…I can’t tell ya where to head to. But…I have a feelin, that since we’ve developed this unique friendship here on Earth, you’ll have no problem findin me…I hope…
Doc: Is there anything we need to prepare for…think of…pray for…before we breathe our final breath?
Mark: Not that I can think of. Keepin a clear head…and being open to anything happening would be my only advice. Why, here on Earth, I never got very involved with playin cards. Now…and for the past many years, I’ve thoroughly enjoyed playin Bridge! Why, I’ve developed friendships that I never thought possible…as well as renewin some old friendships. For example, just the other night, there were four of us sittin around a table playin. To my right was Tom. You know him better as Thomas Edison.
He plays bridge pretty well…why I knew him back here on earth…he was a pretty good friend. Somthin about Tom you may not know…Tom was afraid of the dark!.......Thank you God!
Well…anyway…across the table from me usually sat Al. You know him better as Albert Einstein. He is one smart fella! In fact, he wins most of the time when he’s sittin in. We accuse him of countin cards! He denies it…and he still wins.
And then, to my right…well, we have various people sittin in…well, one of them is Yogi…yes, yes…Yogi Berra…yeah…he’s one funny fella! He tells some funny stories, but it’s interestin, because we have to think about it before we laugh. For example, just the other day, he was sayin…you gotta go to your friends funerals…or they won’t come to yours! It took us a little while, but we got it…
Clark: You mentioned that Albert Einstein almost always wins. Does that mean he wins money? And if so, what the Hell does he do with it…and does it even exist where you are?
Mark: Oh absolutely, we have money…it’s kind of a mixture between every type of currency known to man…and while we don’t need to spend it on anything, the excitement of holdin a handful of coins is still somethin we get all passionate about.
Clark: Well, as someone who spent a good part of his life trading those foreign currencies, I sort of understand that…don’t like the idea of not being able to spend it on anything, though! That must be kinda frustrating!
Mark: Not in the slightest. All of us who’ve shared in this croakin thing, realize that money ain’t all it’s cracked up to be. It’s the relationships we build and the love we have for one another, and the fun we have together that become the most important aspects of our lives…both while here on this planet…and when ya join me in the hereafter.
Doc: Wow, Mark, that’s pretty deep stuff for a show that’s supposed to be about Wit, Humor, and laughter. But…I suppose we need some of that once in a while, I guess…just so we can appreciate the other side…that much more!
Mark: Didn’t do it intentionally, but it is all about contrast! Things ya want and don’t have, and things ya have but never wanted.
Clark: And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a bit of the well-regarded wisdom coming from the mouth of Mr. Mark Twain himself!
Mark: Oh, bosh. Where in the hell in that Finklebine funeral, anyhoo? I’m dying to go…
Clark: You said hell and dying in the same sentence, Mark…sounds like you never left!
Mark: Fact is, I don’t know where I am, but kinda glad I got detoured to you two Twits.
Clark: Thank you, sir. But who is this Myrtle? Can we give you some directions?
Mark: Well, Clark, if I may call you that, don’t rally know where I am going…people often accused me of always gettin’ to the point. This ought to teach ‘em!
Clark: Ha ha! OK, Mark – so great to have you with us. Can we do it again?
Mark: Certainly! I’m havin a ball. I just hope the folks listenin are havin as much fun as we are. If they’re not…it’s their own fault!!!
Clark: Hey…perhaps next time we could talk to you more about writing. Whereas you’ve done an amazing quantity of putting pen to paper, Doc and I have done our fair share as well. Looking forward to discussing all that on our next show. Thank you so much for being with us today!
Doc: As Twit number 1, I’ll chime in with a big thank you as well. And I’m certain our audience participates in that sentiment. And…speaking of our audience, send your most bizarre (or not) questions to us by email at Contact@twotwitsandtwain.com
And don’t forget to check our website for schedules and rebroadcasts and other bits of Twitness at www.twotwitsandtwain.com.
Clark: Two Twits and Twain saying goodbye for now…but come along next time…we’ll see you there.
(Music …Come Go With Me)